On a recent visit to my local library, I ended up in an unfamiliar aisle on a shortcut to somewhere else, and a book almost leapt off the shelf at me. The title all but screamed out, “Read me!” I looked at the books surrounding it and realized that I’d ended up in the human sexuality category, not somewhere you’d normally find me. Because I believe in serendipity, I listened as the book kept asking me to take it home. The book, The Myth of Monogamy, seemed an unlikely subject to ever attract my attention. My belief, up until this moment, was that women were hardwired and generally monogamous by nature, and that men… well, not so much. How little I knew.
The Book Came Home With Me
Needless to say, the book came home with me, and I was in for what became an informative and interesting read. The authors, psychologist and zoologist David P. Barash and psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton, get straight to the point. Page 2 and I’m already reading, “[T]here is simply no question whether sexual desires for multiple partners is ‘natural.’ It is. Similarly, there is no question of monogamy being ‘natural.’ It isn’t.” OK, I’m hooked and want to find out more.
Social Monogamy
First up they explain social monogamy, the ability to share a one-on-one relationship based on social norms: living together, nesting together, foraging together and having sex together. However, when it comes to sexual monogamy, the findings offer an entirely different perspective. Research using DNA fingerprinting technology, used in courtrooms to test DNA in humans, is now used to test parenthood in animals, as well.
The results are surprising. Both male and female animals in nature practice sexual sharing with multiple partners, even in species previously believed to be monogamous. Like talk, sperm is cheap, so generally, males of the species like to ensure that their seed is spread around to guarantee that their lineage survives; they partner with many females. Females, to ensure that they produce the strongest offspring possible, engage with multiple partners, too. Hmm. Social monogamy, yes. Sexual monogamy, no.
Sexual Monogamy More an Ideal Than a Practice
The research shows that sexual monogamy is much more an ideal than a practice. Across the species range, from birds, who have always been considered mates for life, to chimps that closely resemble humans, sexual monogamy is not the norm. Researchers have found that between 10 and 40 percent of all bird chicks were fathered by males who were not the mother’s social mate. Research also shows that females are equally likely to engage in extra-pair mating. The reason is the same: evolution. Wanting to produce the best possible offspring, they each adapt their own ways to achieve this.
Scientists have studied 5,000 species of mammals and found that only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong bonds with one mate. Among this small group are beavers, otters, wolves and foxes. And even the species that do pair and mate for life, occasionally have flings on the side and are quick to find new mates if their old one dies or can’t perform sexually any longer. So much for forever.
Three Types of Monogamy
There are three types of monogamy scientists now refer to based on their animal studies.
- Sexual monogamy: the practice of having sex with only one mate at a time.
- Social monogamy: when animals form pairs to mate and raise their offspring but still have flings on the side (“extra-pair copulation” in science talk).
- Genetic Monogamy: when DNA testing confirms that a female’s offspring all come from one father.
For us human beings, social and sexual monogamy generally go together. But not always in other species. Studies now estimate that 90 percent of all birds are socially monogamous, living and raising young together but frequently having sex with other partners.
As scientists continue to uncover clues about why certain animals stay loyal to a partner, the underlying reason for monogamy remains an open question. The most commonly accepted explanation is that monogamy evolved in situations where young are more likely to survive if both parents are involved in raising them. This might help explain why humans tend to be monogamous; human children do take a long time to mature.
Humans by Nature are Polygamous
By nature it seems that humans are naturally polygamous. Although polyandry, a marriage of one woman to many men, is rare, polygyny, the marriage of one man to many women, is widely practiced in human societies. Humans, in fact, possess certain characteristics typical of non-monogamous species. Monogamous species are also monomorphic, meaning that both males and females are the same size. Polygamous species are dimorphic: the male is larger than the female. Guess what comes next. Human males are typically 10 percent taller and 20 percent heavier than females, and it seems that humans have been mildly polygamous throughout history.
So, why did the authors write the book? Not, as some may think, to say that because it isn’t natural for humans to be monogamous, it is OK to have affairs and have multiple partners. The real reason, which they state over and over again, is to shed light on the fact that monogamy is difficult. Because it is not natural for humans, and because our instinctual desires have a tendency to lead us astray, we have a responsibility to put in a conscious effort to practice what we have committed to.
Monogamy requires work. If we continue to pretend it’s natural, it’s easier to be led down the path that often leads to infidelity. Adultery is undisputedly a hot topic; just check the media on any given day, and you’ll find revelations of some celebrity or another and their love child revelations. It becomes an emotionally charged issue to those who don’t bring the biological perspective to understanding it. And, may I add that there is a higher spiritual perspective to this discussion, not merely one to look at on purely a physical plane, if we add in our freedom of conscious choice.
Monogamy is Challenging
The authors leave us with the following:
“This is not to say that monogamy—even happy, fulfilled monogamy—is impossible, because in fact it is altogether within the realm of human possibility. But since it is not natural, it is not easy. Similarly this is not to say that monogamy isn’t desirable, because there is very little connection, if any, between what is natural or easy and what is good.”
I’m happy I found this book, as the insights shared might help empower people in their efforts to stay monogamous. I believe in monogamy, and one partner at a time is perfect for me. But I am not convinced, based on my own personal experience, that all of us are meant to find one mate to last our entire lifetime, although I have great admiration for people who do successfully mate for life. I’m curious to hear what side of the monogamy fence you live on.
Original source: Beverley Golden >>> Is Monogamy Natural for Humans? This article has been republished with permission from the author.
Photo credit: Isaac Benhesed
I have been saying for a long time that marriage is the hardest thing that we do while we are here. Of course monogamy is one of the many reasons for
It being difficult. I wonder if eventually it is not so popular. There is already signs of this with divorces and people living together without the piece of paper. Life is short and I think we should have the path that provides us with the least amount of stress.
Thanks for reading this piece and commenting Ellen. Times are definitely changing and “choice” becomes the key factor, especially in our relationships and how we choose to live within them. Relationships are challenging and there are many “rules” that might be outdated in our modern times, so I agree with you, that it is becoming harder to fit into cookie cutter rules that don’t work any more. Like you, I think once we know ourself we have to make the choices that work for us, as long as they don’t hurt or harm others. The new definition of family is rapidly changing which is also a sign of our times, as is the new definition of relationships. Appreciate your voice in this conversation.
The Hot topic for sure and an interesting one. When thinking back to the ‘hippie’ generation of which you are most familiar with, free love & multi-sexual relationships were the norm. I knew couples that had open marriages. & my hubby wanted to play with them. To me, it all seemed too complicated, emotionally difficult to manage and the joys of having a monogamous sexual/social relationship with one partner out weighs the instant gratification.
On the other hand, when I was separated in my late 50’s I wanted to jump on the bandwagon of women’s lib and have multi experiences- but that was all it was- very different from permanent meaningful relationship. And because of sexually transmitted diseases & again emotional issues to contend with, I restrained myself and sought a partner I could enjoy the remainder of my life with.
It is about choice, values, commitment, integrity, libido- I suspect responses to this article will guide you to write many more on the topic. Comments in a few words are unlikely.
Thanks for sharing your experiences here, Roslyn. The idea of free love definitely did begin in the “hippie” era, however, I personally was never comfortable with that myself. I think relationships in general are complicated and I have no frame of reference to know how people navigate the complications that might arise from a non-monogamous relationship. Seems it would be emotionally challenging for sure.
Sex seems to always complicate the matter, or so I’ve heard, yet many people are very comfortable exploring various forms of sexuality and it does appear that almost anything goes these days. And I agree with you. It is about “choice”. With choice, we are tapping into a higher spiritual octave and commitment to “the other”, becomes more important within this choice. Hopefully we’ll have a wide range of viewpoints in the comments for this piece. Again, it is a big topic with lots of tentacles to explore.
Life is love, so it is all about sex also. I think that being monogamous is an ideal, but it is a natural ideal!? Or perhaps an ideal that feels natural, probably because it is part of Social Monogamy, the book you quote, refers to. As far as my experience goes, in this department, men want to be married to a woman who’s not so sexy, maybe one that reminds them of their mother. So I’m not sure where the study of monogamy Stands on that, but speaking from personal experience, my ex-husband wanted me to be more like his mom, and I had no inclination for it, so long story short, I am now the one taking care of my children, as the sole provider. Humans are different from animals because we have consciousness, we can study our own behaviour and make conscious decisions. And we decide not to be natural on a regular basis, for better or worse. Very interesting topic, Beverley! Thank you for this most intriguing article.
Thanks so much for your reflective comment Renee. It sounds like you went through your own journey in looking that this topic and how it applies to your own life. It is a fascinating study, as so much of what we have been led to believe, now points to conscious choice. A choice to be monogamous when in fact that is not necessarily what is at the core of our nature. I appreciate you sharing your own story here and your own experiences in your life. Happy to hear this article was intriguing to you and that it created a new inner dialogue for you to explore.
Very intriguing! I’ve always known monogamous relationships require commitment and you have to work at them – now I understand more of the “why” behind the challenges of it all! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much for reading and for your comment here, K.Lee. Yes, we are now realizing that the “why”, is really the key behind so much in our lives. As far as monogamous relationships, they truly do become what I believe is a higher spiritual choice and the love and commitment to the other, comes from this choice. Appreciate you adding your voice here.
An ideal partnership is that of the monogamy. It departs from the idea that it is healthy and you expect for safer and more fuller life.
For many I agree with you Lorii, that monogamy is an ideal that works for them. For others, I imagine it is all about “choice” and seems there are many choices these days when it comes to relationships. Thanks for commenting!
Glad this book spoke to you and that you listened to that inner voice of yours! A difficult topic indeed – and a good reminder that relationships take work. We can decide to work on our relationships or let them go. There are unintended consequences whichever choice we make. So far, I’m liking my choices=>
Thanks for your thoughts on this big topic, Deb. Yes, when it comes to relationships they do take work and even more so today than previously, they do offer a myriad of choices. I like to think we are making a spiritual choice to be in a monogamous relationship and that it is a conscious choice that requires commitment. Happy to hear your choices are working well for you so far too!
Having and maintaining a monogamous relationship is not easy. It takes real work and commitment. So many people take it for granted and then their relationships end up in trouble. Knowing yourself and what you want in your relationship is very important if you want it to be successful. Times have definitely changed and are continuing to do so, it is important to choose what works best for you and makes you happy.
Relationships are definitely challenging, Meryl. And I think more and more we are being asked to make more conscious spiritual choices in all areas of our lives. Knowing yourself, who you are and what is important to you, is one of the keys to entering a successful relationship, yet often this happens as we get older and gain more experiences in our lives. Times are changing and it seems the variations and permutations of what is possible in the areas of relationships is, like you said, about what fulfills you and makes you happy! Appreciate your voice in this conversation.
I find this statement, “Researchers have found that between 10 and 40 percent of all bird chicks were fathered by males who were not the mother’s social mate,” to be a very intriguing comment. How truly interesting that the female would keep a social mate to hang out with and others to have offspring with. Very very interesting and intriguing.
Much of the research is interesting indeed, Takara. We humans believe that monogamy includes sexual and social with one mate. I also found it interesting that this is not necessarily so in the bird and animal kingdom. Something to digest and think about indeed. Glad this intrigued you and offered some food for thought.
In rereading this article, I was curious about the comments. I debated if I would reply on a personal level or stay academic. Most comments indicated they found the study &/or your article interesting and informative., but only 1 or 2 related to it personally. Sometimes I like leaving a comment after many so I can address an issue not stated. Sometimes, as in this case, my comment might lead future comments to go in a direction (did not happen).
I honestly think you can write many more articles delving into this topic as you have been doing about ‘beauty’.
This piece on Monogamy was one of a few I wrote that I think are all related, Roslyn. I also wrote one on Intimacy and also one on Relationships. This topic of monogamy continues to be a culturally active topic, especially as times and people’s freedom to choose change. The paradigm of our parent’s generation definitely is considered “old school” by many. I do believe it is now about “choice”. Freedom to choose and in that, there is a spiritual component to the choice. I think this topic brings up food for thought for many people and maybe that is why they don’t comment from a personal perspective. The complacency shaker in me is asking people to re-look at what is important to them in their lives. Thanks for commenting again and for taking the time to read all the comments.
I read this, I believe, last week and pondered a bit. I think as humans we go through phases. I certainly did. I live my life today based on the lessons of my past and I know that I could not have an open relationship or multiple partners though in the past that may have been how I lived. Your points on Sexual monogamy vs. what I call “emotional” monogamy are so true. In the US we are so judged for our choices and what is right for me and my marriage may not be what is right for others. There are most definitely consequences when you choose that route – emotionally and sometimes physically (back in the day I was involved in the lifestyle, one of the women I knew became pregnant and it was not her husband’s. The protection they were using failed).
Anyway, not meaning to ramble on. This just brought up a lot of memories and a lot of, “I am so glad I am where I am now,” thoughts.
Love how you share yourself and your experiences Heather. Thanks for that. And yes, as we evolve in our lives, we try things and hopefully the consequences from our choices do don’t come back to haunt us. “Choose wisely”, is one of my mottos, yet how do we know what is wise in the moment. Like you, I definitely couldn’t do multiple partners, yet as the times change, it seems anything and everything goes.
People do need to know themselves well enough to make conscious choices that work for them. Who am I to judge? I am always curious though, and that is the entry point for me in most of my articles. I love observing what is happening in the world, in society, and starting conversations about these things. Appreciate your thought filled comments and openness to talk about what works for you as well.
Interesting review, Beverley. I remember reading a book when I was in my 20s (cannot remember the name offhand) that talked about how the female of the species actually chose the right mate to improve the gene pool which is why the male of the species tries to woo the female. Perhaps a remnant of our genes linked to survival of the fittest?
Yes, that is part of the research in this book, Vatsala and that really does relate to continuing to keep the physical going. I believe humans do this kind of choosing as well, although maybe not as consciously. As I believe we are elevating our consciousness now on the planet, I encourage people to look at both the physical part of this conversation, as well as the spiritual side of it as well. How do we choose and what is important to us?
Monogamy is challenging, but it’s the route I’ve always chosen to go, even when dating. That’s just how I’m wired. Monogamy is a choice, being polygamous is as well. As my husband and I tell each other, we’re married, not dead. We acknowledge that we find other people sexually attractive. We just choose not to act on those attractions. Make no mistake, infidelity is the result of a series of choices. Unless you’ve been drugged, you don’t just accidentality end up in bed with someone who is not your spouse. Monogamy is usually a choice for maturity; a choice to bring control to the impulse for momentary pleasure or escape.
You really do “get” this topic and are highly conscious of who you are and what works for you, Sonya. I appreciate how totally open you are in everything you shared here. It is a choice and often when young, people who might not know what works for them, will make choices as an experiment that might not serve them in the long run. Sounds like you and your husband have a very clear understanding of yourselves and each other and that communication is a priority between the two of you. Congratulations on this. I agree that as we mature, we become more conscious of what we are choosing and as I have said to some others, I believe it is a higher spiritual choice to both ourselves and to the “other” as well to commit to monogamy and to remember why we chose it! Appreciate your voice in this conversation. It added a lot to hear you share your own personal experiences. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing this interesting find; I’ve been involved in a monogomous marriage for over three decades, and have found that I have been attracted to others in the opposite sex from time to time…never acted, mind you – but it’s niggled at me over the years. The blogpost gives me further room to ponder, and rethink my stereotypes when ladies get together. Hmmm
I do think that even though we “choose” to be in monogamous relationships, our human nature will have us curious about others from time to time as you mentioned, Linda. And from what I continue to learn, it is more natural to be curious about others, than not to, if you are alive and human. Acting on those other attractions is a very different matter entirely. Glad this post offered you some food for thought, and hope you have some interesting conversations when you ladies get together again. Thanks for adding your personal experience to the mix!
Hi Beverley,
I am with you on monogamy! I believe in one person at a time 🙂 Wow, what a fascinating book that jumped out at you at the bookstore! I would have definately read it too! lol Very interesting information, appreciate you sharing 🙂 I found it very interesting that we as humans are polygamous……I had always thought we preferred one at a time 🙂
Thanks for sharing! Enjoyed your post my friend and shared 🙂
It is interesting that so many of us do see how “one at a time” is more than enough when it comes to personal relationships. I often am curious about those who can engage in sexual relationships with more than one partner at a time. And yet, it is natural for us humans to be drawn to it, Joan. Like you, I was surprised at the findings about us being polygamous too and that was one of the key reasons I wrote the article. Thanks for sharing your personal preferences and of course, I appreciate you spreading the word by sharing it too!
There’s absolutely never a single facet of a situation and this is no exception.
Everyone’s life can be influenced by so many facts that it’s hard to say what’s natural. Natural or normal to you may be totally unacceptable for someone else.
I think that as long as you’re happy with the decision you made, that’s all that matters 🙂
So true, Delia. We all have unique personal ways of being and our sexuality and partnering is all part of this. What is natural or normal for one, I agree, is very different from the next person. Happiness and doing what works for you is definitely the key place to come from. And no-one can really tell us what is or isn’t right for us. Thanks for adding your voice to this conversation!
Beverley, you find the most interesting things to write about! This is so interesting and good for people to learn about, this post might make be beneficial for some to read, so perhaps they don’t feel alone or wonder why they might feel the way they do. It is not easy in this day to stay with the same person, we grow and change, but it can be done, and in the end, we have a history with another human, and that is a powerful thing. Great article Beverley, I always enjoy your work!
Thanks for all your support, Lisa! I appreciate that you appreciate my topics and how I present them. I think you have it right in saying it is about finding what works best for us as an individual and then living by that. There are definitely challenges in staying monogamous in this day and age, however, staying true to ourselves and our partner is of the utmost importance. Cultivating a history with another human being is both noble and spiritual indeed. Thanks for adding your voice to this conversation.
An interesting read. I have long ago decided that although I choose to be monogamous, I do not have to feel regret for past indiscretions. I do believe that monogamy is difficult to maintain primarily because it is instinctual to be attracted to others. This happens naturally and when given the right mix of opportunities, one can easily give into those desires. This is true whether male or female. I think it is easier the older and more mature you become.
Sounds like you have come to total inner peace with who you are and your choices in life Niquenya. What we did in the past, does not dictate who we are in the present. This is something so many get caught up in and cannot seem to break free from. Like you, I would only choose monogamy and actually that is how I have been throughout my life. Yes, life always presents attractions and distractions, and it is up to us to stay true to ourselves and live life from that truth. Thanks for adding your voice to this conversation!
Interesting post and very interesting comments.
I wonder how much cultural norms fit into this. I was fortunate to do some work in Africa in 2005 and their norm is very different then the North American norm which is one of the reasons that AIDS had hit them so hard. AIDS caused a shift in the norm but to what extent I’m not sure.
Yes, cultural norms definitely do play into our choices and they are different in different parts of the world. With so many new threats to our health and well being it will be interesting to see what shifts to the norms do happen. It sounds like you had an interesting experience working in Africa and I can only imagine the memories that were made while there. Thanks for your observations here, Heather.